Burden upon the man

Love and Marriage. In today's world usually linked, not many of Americans are in arranged marriages anymore. When someone asks your hand in marriage they actually want to spend the rest of their life with you. Isn’t that how it goes? It isn’t because you don’t think anything better will come along? This seems to be the case for me because when I said my vows, I meant them. I would do whatever it took to make my marriage work, UNLESS I got nothing in return. I asked time and time again for emotional response back and I got nothing. He didn’t need me. He just tolerated me. He loathed me, cause he failed George Fox and had to take online classes because I got pregnant and then he told me not to work cause he had it covered. While deep down he just wanted control over me and what I could or couldn’t do because he had the money and the power because I stopped hanging out with my friends who didn’t like him and I made him my world. He didn’t do the same, he didn’t care. I was just a burden, a hindrance. I kept him from playing on his Xbox, from sleeping all day, and spending his money on whatever he wanted. He’s got the life he wants now and I’m obsolete. I’ll just follow his lead and move on too. I’ve got friends now who care and I’ve got a wonderful son who is my world. It just hurts that someone who asked YOU to marry them, it was what he wanted can just ignore you. I guess I should be used to it because he did it for 90% of the marriage. I’m just emotional I guess.

Obsession

Roman sleeping, yea I'm that mom

Peek-A-Boo

Where should I go in mom's shoes? HMMMMM Oddly enough he didn't want to wear my converse shoes.

Hey! This is my hide-out get your own!

He loves shoes!

Photo updates

Roman enjoying being a closet monster....

Mom found me! My invisibility shield is malfunctioning!

Enjoying Spongebob from his awesome laundry basket of a chair....


Roman and Zach playing with the closet door mirror

More laundry basket fun

Pathetic

"You shattered my world of glass. Leaving me standing in a blood filled puddle of dreams." How can someone who supposedly wanted to spend the rest of their life with you let you just walk away? How can that same someone be SO UNBELIEVABLY COLD? Every time I needed something emotional from him nothing, but when I asked for something financial he could make it happen. Now all of a sudden nothing, it’s his way or the highway. Then I look back on the memories of our relationship and it was always that way. When I wanted to get a job to help us, he wanted to bowl and wanted me to support his decision. I did, because I believed that I wouldn’t have been a good partner if I didn’t support his decision. He in turn didn’t support mine; accept for the desire to finish school. That was the only one he supported. It’s funny how in a relationship one person has more power, even if only by a little. He was that person. He didn’t need me, he just wanted someone to be there at the end of the day to sleep next to but he didn’t want a partner in life. I wasn’t okay with coming in second and never having my emotional needs noticed, which led me to many problems, which I’m not going to rehash at this moment. I’m tender enough as it is. I genuinely needed him, not just for financial support but the emotional stuff to. I was attached to him fully, but he never was to me. I don’t actually think he can emotionally attach himself to anyone now that I step back and take a look (as best as I can). I won’t ever be over the destruction of one of the most important relationships in my life but since it’s finally over and I can get as much closure as possible out of it I can move on. I have best friends who love me and are there for me, night or day. I don’t need someone who doesn’t need me, let alone want me. I need someone who is loyal and doesn’t have to one up me every time I share a piece of my life.
At the moment I feel something like this, “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.” I feel like I’m made of glass and will break at any moment, but I realize now that I shouldn’t settle for second best. I deserve to get everything I ask for because I am a catch.
I cook, I clean, I’m emotionally present, I care about sports, I know a little about cars, I believe every guy needs guy time frequently, I don’t hog the bed, I enjoy sex, even though sometimes I’m moody I can almost always tell you why even if you can’t, I do laundry, I’m self motivated, I love my family, and really the list goes on but I am sick of the let down really. I wonder if I’ll ever really get over the divorce. I feel like I should do something extreme. I’m not sure what exactly though. I feel like a failure that I couldn’t stick it out but I couldn’t take being ignored and having my feelings and needs not count, because they do. I have to believe they do, that I as a person matter and should be treasured. When someone makes that serious of a commitment you never think it’s going to end, and when it does you try to pick up the pieces which in theory is easy. The execution of said plan isn’t. Especially when there’s the constant reminders.